Cue the awkward turtle swimming by...

It's 8:15, do you know where your husband is? Yep. Mine is assisting coaching a basketball game, and I am not there. ASSISTING. It's weird to think of him as just an assistant coach, when our whole married existence he has been a head coach of his own basketball program. I also feel lost because I am not assuming my position behind the bench smiling as he looks back at me with his eyes saying, "What the F was that?!? Did you see that call? I am about 2.5 from throwing this clipboard at a ref..." I am not sure how I feel about the oh so many changes swirling about. I love our son with all my being, and being home with him right now is the absolute right thing in the world... but I can't help but miss the feeling of hardwood on my butt from sitting in the bleachers of a basketball gym. We'll get our shot here in a few weeks when a home game comes around. I will be excited to get to show Jax the ropes of basketball game watching. Maybe i'll teach him a few cheers along the way.... I used to be a cheer coach in my past life too. Did you know that?

By the way.... did you notice I am writing? I need to get in the habit of doing it more often. 9 months of Jaxon's life has gone by, and I have done a horrid job of cataloging it. Just awful. I bought the coolest baby book I could find, with all kinds of places to write things down. Guess when the last time I wrote in it was?..... yep. His 2 week check up. IN FEBRUARY. I get a little P-O'd when people tell me "Girl! You have a baby, it's all good! Things like that happen..." Yeah. They do... but too many things are 'happening' and I am not sure how I feel about being ok with my life just crumbling out from under me! Try these on for size:

1. My house MOST of the time looks like something straight up out of Hoarders. No lie. There have been dishes in my sink since Sunday night. THey are still there.... they may still be there tonight, because I am too tired to even think of fooling with them.

2. My bedroom has gone from Sanctuary to insane asylum. It is floor to ceiling of crap. Mostly laundry in different phases of life.... dirty, clean, and questionable.

3. I can't remember the last time I wore make up.

4. I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal for my husband that didn't involve a microwave or something pre packaged.

5. I've used a good majority of my birthday money on Starbucks because I don't have time to eat breakfast and can't afford to stop there every morning otherwise... seeing my barista Deeanne (yes... we know each other) makes me smile. There's a new guy though in the mornings, and he gets on my nerves... and he doesn't know my name... AND he can't pronounce Caramel Brulee Latte. Or when I ask for a triple grande, he has to get clarification on what I mean.... and he doesn't understand that a Venti Ice water means the big cup... not the little cup.

6. I don't know what it means to exercise unless I pick up my child.

7. I eat bad food, because it makes me happy, and because I am busy.

8. I cry inside every time I have to go to school because I drive an hour to there and an hour home and I miss out on time with my son.

9. I cry again because my students are horrid and I can't afford to be a stay at home mom with a little boy I really want to see... because I see him less hours a week than the "other" kids...

10. I am sucking real bad at the little things that mean a lot (ahem... lesson plans) at work. I never used to be late in turning in lesson plans, or showing up for or remembering duty. It doesn't matter what time I leave my house... and I usually leave around 6:30 in the morning... I still don't get to school until about 8.

11. I can't manage to get ahead in any aspect of life.

Is this normal? I am sure it is... and I know someone is going to tell me it gets better... but when? I'd like the pipe dream i'm chasing to come true. Maybe I should just take that money going to coffee and start buying scratch offs.

Did I mention I am writing again? It's kind of a big deal... I like it a lot. a real whole lot....

It's also my BFFs birthday this week. I probably won't get to see her. That's another story. I miss her like crazy. I have realized lately just how lost I really am without her guiding me along. Maybe that's why I suck so bad this year as a teacher? I've had to completely go solo without my safety net.

So the random blabbing this is turning into is my cue to push publish and call it a night. Hopefully my darling son will sleep in his crib the whole night... as much as I LOVE him snuggling in between me and daddy at night, I would like some normalcy back. Just a little. Do I sound like a whiney grump yet? Maybe I need some wine to stop whining. Ugh.... Thanksgiving break, are you here yet?

30 days of Thankfulness

My darling friend started this 30 day thankfulness thing on Facebook. I think it is an awesome idea. Why just focus on things you are thankful for on just Thanksgiving?

I can think of a few off hand that will sure make the list...

1. Bacon
2. Bacon flavored things
3. Any food containing bacon

Ok... in all seriousness, bacon makes the world a better place. I am thankful for pigs and their sacrifice for the advancement of bacony goodness on this Earth. I thankful for other things too...

1. My parents. They celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary yesterday. I hope to accomplish that and many more. Marriage is hard. Real hard.... It is even harder when you throw a baby in the mix. I am finding this out all the time. They have not only survived each other, but raising 3 VERY DIFFERENT hormone charged daughters. That is really saying something.

2. My husband. We may not always get along, agree, say the nicest things, help each other out the way we need to... but he is a great dad to our son, and after 13 years, still is my bff.

3. My son. That little boy is the reason I wake up every morning, literally and figuratively speaking.... You would think so too hearing his laugh...

4. Coffee. Without it, I would have died in several wrecks on the way to work. It keeps me going...

Realizing It's too late for coffee... A buzz kill is about to take place. 

This Momma is mucho tired, and although I started out strong.... This heifer's had it.

Good night, sleep tight... think of bacon and all is alright.