Dear Contractions, you suck. The end.

Dear Contractions,

Hi!, it's 3 am once again, your favorite time of the day. Please tell me why you choose to wake me up at this hour? I ask again, why is it that you have been waking me up at this hour for consecutive days? It intrigues me even more that you are serious enough to wake me from a dead sleep or a super weird preggo dream, and continue long enough to peak my interest and get my hopes up-- yet when I crawl out of bed... you stop. What. the. freak. Don't you know Jax is trying to send the bat signal? The foo wants out of my belly (in Fat Bastard's words... think Austin Powers...). Please succumb to my child's wishes.

Yours truly, if you will be for real that is,

JFTB

Momma Mythbusters

Yes, I am better than that red haired guy and the one with the creepy mustache on the Discovery channel... today is Mommy Mythbusters day in JFTB land. With a little over a week to go, it is time to start mythbusting some old wive's tales to induce labor.


NOTE *** If you are one of those naturalist people who believe I am going to damage my baby and go to hell for trying these things or wanting to him to come 10 days early, please call 1-800-suck-it, or see www.kissmyass.com.***


The Pineapple trick--


Apparently there is an enzyme in fresh pineapple called bromelain, that will ripen and soften the cervix. In order for it "to work" one must eat fresh pineapple, not canned or canned juice. There is something in the canning process that removes the enzyme. Not sure what the hype is to this, or if it works, but over the course of last weekend when eating a whole pineapple, I went from zero, nada, nothing happening in baby gate land on Thursday, to 1cm and 50 % 5 days later. Now-- this could be pure coincidence, or some truth. We are calling it plausible here in JFTB land, and you better believe we are snacking on some pineapple as you are reading this...


Walking-- 


Yesterday was a strategically planned library day. Yep. If you know my campus, you know that the library in relation to my classroom is on the other side of the world. I walked there over 6 times, to and fro-- and you bet I walked laps around the 25 minutes we were there, and looked at the Science Fair projects a million times. Result: Some pretty steady contractions which started around 8:30 in the morning-- that got me excited and then totally buzz killed when they stopped around 4:00.


 Today there has been a Wal-mart excursion (and I HATE.... I mean REALLY HATE WAL-MART), a sauntering trip through Staples (where I found a SUPER electric school pencil sharpener that was originally $50 HALF-OFF! That excitement alone may send me to the hospital...), a wholesome trip to the local Christian bookstore where I found a beginner's bible bedtime story collection-- totally precious, and can't wait to start reading it to him, a browse through Best Buy where I discovered they have gotten rid of nearly all the movies in the movie section! NAKED! What is going on-- is it the end of DVD's as we know it? Results are pending... after lunch there may be a lap around Lowe's and a hoe-down at Home Depot...  We'll see what happens...


Spicy Food--


There was a need to stop at Wendy's for a Spicy Chicken Sandwhich for lunch... now I know that isn't the same caliber of spicy as some Thai food-- but we have to find an intermediary... too much spice will cause me to have to take a Pepcid and call it a day. Results: well, I just ate it... so we'll have to report back later. Maybe there can be a trip to Madam Mam's in Austin for dinner tonight... there is some soup there that will strip paint off of a wall...


The "birthing" aka excercise ball- 


Midwives say sitting on one of these little gems has been known to open the pelvis and let the baby descend lower. While on the Wal-mart excursion, I bought a pretty pink one, and am currently using it as my method of sitting on my bum. Bouncing on it is reminiscent of a hippity hop-- a similar childlike toy with a horsey head with handles you can literally bounce on around the house. There will be no house bouncing on this thing-- but it does feel good to sit on and relieves some back tension. So while I can't report on the validity of this myth-- it sure is fun to sit on. 


Castor Oil--


Ew. Sick. Gross.... I have been an anal retentive (in all sense of the word) since birth, and pooping that much is not natural in my book. Maybe some dried apricots are in the future to try the "bowel stimulating" myth.... but anything that can cause that much pooping and/or barfing is not ok...


So the question is... will Baby Jax come soon? Like tonight? This weekend?.... Even if not, just some serious progress for Monday's appt. will suffice. Then maybe I can talk my brick wall of an OB to crumble just a little bit-- and induce me a day early. Yes, again-- for the anti-drug folks.... I get it, it is introducing fake hormones in my body and putting me at risk. So does drinking milk from the cafeteria at school and eating the fake meat at Taco Bell... but when you teach in a school district that screws you over on leave because you are introducing the next genius or NBA star into the world... you want time on your side. 


peace, love, breast pumps, oxytocin, contractions and water breakage... if we are lucky.

A disappointing water ballet symphony of my in-utero cohabitant

It amazes me how sound waves can give you a picture like this... Most of the time, when we have done these, it looks like something straight from your TV if you didn't pay the cable bill... It looks this way, AND it didn't help that my precious little boy has body part names tattooed on his face like a science book. Nice.  We had an encounter today after taking an almost 18 week hiatus from seeing each other. Last time I saw this little darling, I was just finding out he was a boy...

Yep... they did it even then. As if my college education or the moment I paid attention in Health class (to get me in this predicament to begin with) would not tell me what exactly THAT was I was seeing... and last I checked, it wasn't called "boy!!". If this is where our Science curriculum is going, our future is screwed. I am proud to say, he is still a boy, even by a "science-word" absent ultrasound technician's standard (I'm thinking about Juno's mother...). When we met this time, his little lips were sucking away and he was sticking out his tongue as if he was saying, "HEY MOM! It is past lunch! I need food!" I started talking to him, and his little eye brows starting talking back... It made me melt. He knows his Momma's voice! It makes me more and more excited every moment to meet him... It's just going to be a while... 2 weeks and 4 days to go. We haven't made any progress yet, but I know we'll be there sooner than we know it! So, I have been up since 2 am with contractions and all mighty discomfort-- and there isn't anything happening, it made me a little disappointed the discomfort was all for naught.

 Until we meet for rizzle my little water ballerin-o... keep it real foo.

Me gusta pancakes and some other stuff...

I have a serious addiction to pancakes. No, I'm not lying... I really do! Last weekend it was pumpkin and "fake" blueberry... who knows what this weekend holds! I may cave to some Kerbey Lane mix. At almost $6 a box, I could easily go out to eat for a giant pancake platter, but it would not taste near as fab. Much happiness can come my way, and troubles can be absolved in my future with just a simple serving of pancakes...

This is where the fun begins and unfortunately you have to be privy to my wandering preggo brain...

1. I am super thankful that I followed my pizza craving to Little Caesar's today rather than ordering at Domino's-- even though Domino's crust along makes it worth the wait. The thrill came when I opened the door at LC and saw the drink cooler... yep. They have Pepsi products... and if you have known me long enough, you know that Pepsi makes everything better... Well, that and a bean burrito from Taco Bell.

2. I have found some super precious sweet friends from the past recently. It makes me feel good that some of them, who I haven't spoken to in 10 years-- can pick up where we left off as seniors in high school and it seem like only yesterday.

3. Shame on you Marc Summers for having Spring Rolls on your unwrapped show. Now I want some!

Tomorrow is cleaning frenzy part 2 and hospital bag packing day... I am ready to meet my inhabitant. Thursday we are having a size/location ultrasound... I haven't gotten to see real good shots of him. It seems like the ultrasound techs have been in super hurries... I think this time, I may go in packin'. Perhaps I can get a 3D of his sweet face. Well, if the gal knows what's best for her...

Peace, Love and Pancakes... yum

my bump, my bump, my lovely baby bump... check it out!

Alright... 35 weeks is upon us. This is what we are dealing with these days...

I'm starting to kind of like this oblong sphere I am carrying around. It's hard to believe in 5 weeks or less, there is going to be a baby in my life. A REAL LIVE BABY! A mini-me! I am scared to death of this little bugger... mostly because it has a penis attached to it. I know nothing about little boys. Nada, zip, zero. I am totally down if he wants to be Kurt Hummel... at least I know something about shopping and diva-ness. Speaking of, I miss good, new, fab episodes of Glee... 

I am not rollin' with the whole New Year resolution thing this year... I am just flying by the seat of my pants. I have a couple of goals though... 1. I am praying I can be half the mother my Momma is to me. She is pretty much the flyest woman on the planet, and considering I have been compared as a mini-me my whole life... that would make me pretty much the shizz. I think my odds are good. 2. Write. write. write some more. I have been slacking in a serious way since I got preggo. That's 8 months of wasted muse. So, while this may be the rambliest poo ever to hit the block, I can at least say it's a start.

Anyone up for ice cream? I kind of want some... welcome to the brain of a pregnant woman...

A sigh of ultimate relief...

The best New Years gift a Momma to be could ask for... ultimate freedom to nest like a mad woman. Nest I did... like an angry bird. New Years Eve was spent with great friends who helped Jason install laminate flooring in the nursery-- while the wives assembled strollers, swings, and anything else we could get our hands on... Every scrap of clothing from newborn to 3 months was washed, folded and put away... The hurricane fury has swept through, and I like what I am seeing...

Before:

After:

loving my life, loving this room, loving all the possibilities it brings... especially in 2011. Happy New Year Momma JFTB!

toys...

Is it possible to want to have a baby just to play with the toys? I can already say guilty as charged... I bought my nephew a "My Pal Scout" Leapfrog stuffed dog that is interactive and teaches as well as sings... Yep. I caved. I loved it so much I went out in the crazed day after Christmas hustle and bustle, and bought one for my in-utero bff. It's already out of the box and programmed. It spelled his name in an ABC song, and sang about milk... because right off the bat, that's going to be his favorite food! Right?

tomorrow is set up-ultimate nesting frenzy-nursery kung foo day. THis little buddy can keep Jaxon's swing occupied. 6 weeks to go... 6 scary stress filled pins and needly kind of weeks. Please God, don't fulfill my nightmares and let me go into labor at school.... the thought of my water breaking in front of 7th graders freaks me out in more ways than you know...