Today is O dot M dot G day.

"The Snake Charmer" by Henri Rousseau

"I'm naked and snakes are everywhere! I knew I shouldn't have eaten those mushrooms back there!"

Gardening with Ouiser Boudreaux (based off of Billy Collins' poem "Shoveling Snow With Buddha")

I pull into the driveway from a long excursion at Lowes, and with my husband's help we cart in 40 bags of top soil, organic matter, landscaping timbers and such. Jason assembles the timbers into a box-like shape to hold the dirt for my raised garden. I wait inside in the a/c for my friend Ouiser Boudreaux to show up. I am glad she is coming to help because I am NO green thumb, and Jason doesn't do plants. It isn't 5 minutes later and Ouiser just comes waltzing into my living room, slamming the front door shut like she owns the place. "In case your wondering," she snickers, "I didn't see the point of knocking because you know I am here! You can't help but know when the neighbor 6 doors down is home because of your dog's insane bass bark." I smile and pat Duke on the head. "You are momma's baby boy!" I coo at him and scratch his chin. He grunts just like he did when he was a puppy. Ouiser can do nothing but stick her tongue out at me. 

We head to the backyard and I don't even make it to the back door when she starts in on me. "For Christ's sake! You can't go out in that crap!" she snaps. "What ever are you talking about? Athletic shorts, a tee shirt and this baseball cap are perfectly appropriate for this mission, love." I can't take it when she thinks she knows everything. "Well what am I supposed to wear? I am gardening for crying out loud!" I scream at her, because talking nice never gets me anywhere. "You have to wear overalls, a ratty white tee," she tosses me a straw hat, "and this ugly ass hat." We get outside and work the earth, and magic starts to happen in her hands. We talk about life, our families and she taught me some valuable lessons....

1. Southern women are destined to grow old, wear ugly clothes and grow vegetables in the dirt. 

2. Tell it like it is... always.

3. Fake people can kiss your ass.

4. Ugly overalls make tomatoes grow faster.

Today, I get to watch childhood favorite TV shows (Hey Dude and Salute Your Shorts) I found on Itunes!

~Twanda, out.

The Awe-manac... Day uno.

A big thanks to the Soup-Lady, Mama-O, et. al. for highly persuading me to get this diddy. It will save my life.

Today is: "Homie don't..." day

"Souls wouldn't wear suits and ties, they'd wear blue jeans and sit cross-legged with a glass of red wine.  ~Carrie Latet"

* Souls would congregate on my back porch on a warm crisp summer night. The scent of citronella would linger on the night breeze, keeping mosquitos at bay on this night entranced with laughter. Souls would talk about REAL things... They would comment on their husbands, and who is doing what, and when and why. They would talk about that crazy sister of theirs, and weird guy. Pets, babies, wanting to have babies... it would all come out in the wash. Souls would talk about the good and the bad. Souls would find refuge on my porch. It would be the YA-YA mecca of the century. The souls hobbies would have to include a divine appreciation for all that is wine, because it would be seriously flowing on the porch. The souls would know how to dance. Sweet Home Alabama playing in the back ground. The souls know how to do everything from "The Lawn Mower" to the "Soulja Boy". You never quite know what the moment may call for. What happens on the porch, stays on the porch.

My Relationship with Jeans....

     I would say all women have a love/hate relationship with jeans. On most days, I LOVE my jeans. Notice I said... 'most days'. The things I love about jeans:

1. I love wearing jeans to work. There is something about wearing them that says, "Please mess with me today, I am wearing jeans and can easily kick your ass."

2. Jeans are the only pair of pants that get better the more days you wear them. Granted, they may smell a bit funky (invest in some Febreeze), but they fit like a million bucks the second day you wear them.

3. They are easy to wash. They are husband proof in the laundry. You can't screw up washing jeans.

4. No ironing required. Nuff said.

5. The right pair can make your butt look like you are 18 and ready to rock.

6. They play the same role as that tuxedo t-shirt. You can be formal, or ready to party...

The things I HATE about jeans...

1. If you wear a pair too small, you have the potential to 'muffin-top'. That is grounds for immediate fashion police citation.

2. It is not okay when your fat jeans become your NOT fat jeans...

3. It super sucks when it is raining and you are wearing jeans and the bottoms get wet in the rain, and you aren't going directly home where you can change out of your soggy bottomed pantaloons. 

4. I hate it when jeans play a big "SIKE!" and aren't 100% dry from the dryer, and you don't find out until pulling them all the way up to discover it is the crotch. There is that defining moment where you think for a second, " Did I just pee myself?"

5. I also hate it when you experience "dryer shrinkage" and have to do the fat girl jeans dance, to get them on... 

My Momma once said she would love to be buried in her jeans. I think jeans are amazing. 

Stay tuned for more from my porch....

Peace.

Love. and Recycle.

The first official rejection notice is fuel for the fire...

I get this email in my box:

Hi Jennifer,

Infinite apologies for taking so long to get back to you; I've been
swamped with submissions, and I'm reading slower than I thought
possible.

I want to thank you so much for writing to The Rumpus. I'm sorry to
say that your submission is just not right for us, and we're going to
pass on it. Nevertheless, we really appreciate you submitting and
contributing to the revolution!

Also, wow, middle school English teacher. Mine changed my life. While
it's a noble profession, I also hope you trade it in for best-selling
novels. That's the dream.

Very best,

E*******
Editor
Funny Women




I will have you know, Miss Thang--- that just because I don't write overly heinous vulgar for humor... I will still make you wet your pants. Please come over and sit in my presence with a bottle of wine, and see if you won't secretly go to the bathroom and hook yourself up with a precautionary pad or a set of Depends... It is on like Donkey Kong.

survival mode.... take 1

I miss my little Duke. It's so odd.... what did I used to do before I had met him? I know we only had him for about a day, before he spent this last numbered days at the vet.... but we bonded from the moment I brought him home. I gave him a bath, and he smelled like baby powder... he snuggled with me and he knew I was his momma.... I just get so sad when I think about it... now I know how a mother feels when she miscarries... even though it isn't the same.

13 more days of school left.... 12 FULL days of school left... I am in extreme survival mode. The kids are going insane... bad choices left and right. It is anything and everything I can do to keep them from swinging from the ceilings and going full out anarchy. Breathe in... breathe out.... breathe in... breathe out...

Summer is almost here.

Good bye my Chocolate Baby...

At 7:30 this  morning, Dr. Schroeder called and let me know that we lost Duke some time in the middle of the night. I know they did all they could, but that still doesn't explain to my heart why I feel so wrenched with pain. We only had him 5 days, but I feel like it was an eternity... I spent 3 sleepless nights with him, trying to nurse his little body back to health. I prayed, OH how I prayed... so hard for him to get better. I know God heard my prayers.... did I pray the right words?

I miss him already...

Sir Duke Kilgore 

(2/4/2010-5/8/2010)

Is that light at the end of the tunnel?

Today Duke got somewhat good news. At the beginning of the day, there wasn't much of a change going on... he is still vomiting and not eating. However, at the end of the day, I talked to the doctor, and he seemed to think that Duke was looking better than he was yesterday. I can roll with that. He is sitting up and looking around instead of just laying there, which is good stuff. If he can just eat for them, and hold it in.... we can start the thoughts of coming home. I miss that little guy... and Lord knows I love him to death. He's had a long week with Team Woodall.

God,

Thank you for the advances Duke has made. I know that sometimes it takes baby steps to get there. Help me to be patient through this, continue to heal by baby's body, give him strength and comfort from pain. Help him to eat, and to continue to get better so he can come home to us. I know things happen for a reason, I am giving it to your hands.

Hope and pray... hope and pray... repeat.

Duke got a visit by Jason and I today after work. He looks so weak. Tracy (the god send tech from heaven) says he looks worse today than yesterday. He still hasn't eaten anything, he is still losing fluids... They are trying tamiflu and some other things in his IV to see if they help. She said tonight is crucial for him... all we can do is pray. I love that little boy... more news tomorrow. Hoping we are playing fetch by next Friday...

Father God,

On this, the National Day of Prayer, be with our government leaders that thought it was not important enough to recognize this go around... Be with Baby Duke, heal him Lord-- and give him comfort. Be with Tracy as she cares for him Lord, be her guide as she is nursing him back to health. Give Jason and I the courage to endure this, and to make the right decisions. I give him to you, and lift him up in your hands. You, the great healer, are the one in the driver's seat. Give him healing Lord, so we can bring him home...