unfathomable love

I attended a dear friend's son's funeral today. I admired how strong she was through it all, I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a baby... She is truly living any mother's worst nightmare. The moment I got to embrace her she brought everything crashing to a reality for me. "Hug Jaxon for me," she whispered, "hold him tight every day and don't ever let go." You bet I did girlfriend. If you know me well enough, you know me and Jesus have a morning coffee visit (as my Nanny would say) before school. As we visited   this morning, we talked about my friend. I asked him to comfort her, to soothe her pain, to cradle her in his arms when she feels broken, to bring her joy in knowing her little boy is hanging out with him for lunchtime. There is peace in that. Faith is believing the unbelievable-- and having it is the only way I know how to make it through something like this. 

I cherish moments like this a little more these days... Because like hers, my angel is here on borrowed time, as we all are. 

Father God,

Keep my angel close by you and keep him safe.

Today, Tomorrow, always...

Surround him with protection every day of his life, 

and the day he grows wings and flies away from me,

bring him home to me safe.

Be with my precious friend Michelle and heal her pain,

help her to have peace beyond all understanding Lord,

Only you know the plan for each and every one of us, and 

while we may not know all the answers, 

help us to remember that you have our best interest at heart.

Amen.

Random thoughts from a Mom...

So now that I am a Mom, I have been privy to a whole new world I never knew existed. Please buckle your seatbelts as you enter this ride, as it can get more random and confusing than a 7th grade ADHD boy on no meds...

1. The grocery store baby ooglers...

Ok. I get it. Babies are cute. Mine happens to be a sexy beast. If there was a contest for sexy beast babies, he would win hands down. What I wonder is this... why do people feel the need to try to get bowed in the face when they uninvitingly try to stick theirs in Jaxon's car seat on the basket to oogle how cute he is? Did people do this before to other babies and I just not notice? THis is why I usually wear him out in public. It is time to take 2 more minutes in the car, with the K'tan and strap him on. I dare you to get in this Momma bear's bubble... back back, back back, give me 50 feet.

2. The touchers...

Rule #1, and I know you are sweet ladies at my church, but baby girl.... if I don't know your first name, playa... don't touch. the. baby. WHY!?

3. The Spanish Inquisition...

So I know that motherhood bonds females in a special way... I am wondering though that when I encounter either #1 or #2 it is also paired with a barrage of the same questions: How much did he weigh when he was born? (7 lbs 10 oz...) Was he long? (21 inches) Wow... how long were you in labor? (11 hours start to finish) Did your water break (yes) or did the doctor have to break it for you? How long did you have to push (3 LONG hours)? Vaginal or C-section?..... ok. brakes please. Now, this is one thing-- AGAIN, if I know your first name, we are probably tight enough for me to tell you all about my birth story, and I would be obliged to share info. BUT-- if you don't know me, you don't need to know about the trauma my whoo-whoo went through, AND it isn't any of your business if he indeed came out that way. I don't know your name, much less want to invite you into my woman part world. MMM kay?

4. The OMG you had a baby people...

This bugs me. Yes, I had a baby. Yes, I am breastfeeding *in case you forgot this in your inquisition*, and I am dropping weight like a fly. This is more directed at the girl in front of me at HEB yesterday. So after she labeled herself as a #1, she said, "WOW, so you are really out walking and everything? I thought that when you had a baby you totally couldn't walk for like forever after going through that!" Mmmm.... please go back to health or science class. Yes, it is the craziest, mind blowing, painful thing a human could endure, but it isn't going to debilitate you for forever. Can I slap her please?

5. Old ladies who are judgmental...

YES I went back to work. YES I have to work. NO I can't stay home. YES he is in daycare. NO I don't feel like a bad mother for it. YES I pick him up when he cries and hold him as long as I damn well please. YES I co-sleep with him. NO I am not going to give him water in a bottle or peppermint sticks for gas. YES I vaccinate. YES he is in a rear facing carseat, and it is strapped at all times. NO I do not nurse him in a moving vehicle. YES we use disposable diapers. AND just because it worked for you or that is what they did 400 years ago, does not mean that it is a good idea or will put my child in therapy for it now.

I am sure there are more, I just can't wrap my brain around it at the moment... OH, did I mention the Warbler GLEE! Album came out yesterday and I totally have it? Blaine rocks my socks... too bad he's gay, right?

Fuzzy Friday

Fuzzy Friday was a holiday created by one of my MOST favorite people on the planet... It's when you get to wear fuzzy headbands for the day and celebrate all that is good in life. That, and watching some pretty funny stuff unfold... Hence this convo with a student today.

Me: "Yes, What can I help you with?"
Student: "Miss, Do you like Pixie Stix?"
Me: "Yes, I do, why?"
Student: "Because I ate a whole bag of them last night and 4 sodas."
Me: "Watch out! You're super cool (in my most saracastic 'PLEASE-leave-me-alone-to-let-me-grade-these-tests-and-find-a-library-book-because-that-IS-why-we-are-in-the-library' voice)!
Student: "Yeah, I got high off of them!"
Me: (knowing this student and thinking sugar high.... haha, watch what happens when you THINK) Yep, a lot of sugar will do that to ya!"
Student: "Yep, I sniffed them up my nose, and it burned and I smelled cherries for the rest of the night and blew red snot."
Me: "Oh dear..."

Fuzzy Friday.

I also am celebrating the 9 week anniversary of the birth of my sweet Jax. We both survived the week away from each other... here is a recap:

He's the thinker... thinking while dreaming takes a lot of work.

Daycare has taught the fine art of sleeping on your back and simulating the crucifixion of Jesus... 

turning 2 months is a wicked big deal...

being a turtle Klan member is cause for a discussion about the friends you hang out with... daycare kids... tisk tisk tisk.

Being a Momma rocks...

jail break...

Here he is... a 2 year old ball of energy. Mr. Shadow... shortly after this picture was taken, he got a bad bout of heartworms, and the treatment did something awful to his little body and he was never the same dog again.

You know... pets are like people. They are a part of your family, and when they grow old, they depend on you for support. Would you like to be neglected by your family? I know the answer is no, but why do we treat our pets that way? They can't tell you when they hurt... they can't tell you it's almost time to go to that dog park in the sky... but they can let you know with their eyes... they say it all.

Well, this one is facing that. He is old... real old. He's 13 to be exact. That's 91 in dog years... he's an old wise grandpa man. No one plays with him anymore... no one cares he exists... no one minds if the gate is open and he runs away. Because they are tired of dealing with him. Would you want me to send you out to the pasture if you were old and I was tired of dealing with you? I would hope not...

Friday he got out and ran. Ran far far away from home... maybe he tried to come back, but there was no one there to greet him and welcome him home. Did anyone even dare search for him? I cried that day.

Last night, his sister found him. Someone wasn't giving up on him...

Mug shots say it all...

5 years old?..... ha, maybe at heart. Aren't we all a little young at heart?

You see he's been tagged with a number.. just like he was at a concentration camp. Auchwitz... that's where he was. When Danielle rescued him, he just shook and shook... he was petrified. Rightfully so... she said that place was awful... worse than a prison. They labeled him aggressive and put him on the kill list. The. Kill. List.

There are no words... I am still sick just thinking of it.

If anything, my backyard is about to become a rest home for elderly dogs... and he is the first resident.

My Star...

Meet my Jaxarooney. He's all that and a bag of chips... The time I have dreaded has come. I have 5 days left as a stay at home Momma. I have tried and tried not to think about it, but ever since Sunday, I find myself pausing at taking in all of the little things... when I soak it all in and appreciate it, it always comes with the shedding of several tears. Life just isn't fair. Isn't fair.... I know this is a phrase that will surely come to haunt me over the next 18 years. Yes, Jaxon... life isn't fair baby boy. Why does Momma have to have a job outside of the home just so we can make ends meet? Why do we not live in a time where I can stay with you all the time anymore? Why do I have to pay someone, a stranger, to raise you for me all day... just to spend a few hours with you to do it all over again? It isn't fair alright... and I don't like it at all... Let me share with you a few of things I'll miss the most...

His little hands...

He discovered them today. Yep... something so simple as that. There he was, just staring at his little hands, wondering where they came from, what they are? I wonder the same thing... what will they do when you grow up? Will you remember me holding them? Will you remember grasping my finger and holding so tight, never letting go? Will they sign a peace declaration one day? Perform life saving surgery? Conduct an orchestra? Dribble a basketball, scoring the winning shot in an NBA game? Who knows.... but I will miss them so much.

That sleeping angel...

Right after he's nursed himself into a milk drunken stupor, and still laying there, all cuddled up against me. He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps... sometimes he gets put in his crib, his pack and play... but at lot of times, I just like to leave him there and look at him.




Speaking of Milk drunken stupors...

This was from the first couple of days after he was born... DAYS! Now it's almost been 2 months... MONTHS! he's peaceful like me in a tryptophan induced happiness after Thanksgiving...

Creative nap time...

Like when you pray he'll stay asleep, even though he flopped on his back, which he hates... Keeping the binky in so he won't wake up, by having his monkey hold it.... all new Momma things to learn, and figure out...

Cousin visits...

 I miss my sisters a lot. It is amazing when I see my little nephew how much he has grown in such a short time... I helped my sister move into her first home of her own... It was so hot that day as we were finished packing that the boys went "redneck" and paraded in their diapers... It made us laugh. They both passed out in their car seats. It makes me wonder what is in store with the two of them...

Seeing him in the mornings when Jason talks to him... even though Daddy's don't quite "have it" like Mommies do. I love seeing him interact with our little boy. This was him before we left for church on Sunday... isn't he something?

Something... something I'm gonna miss. Get ready my friends... there isn't a stock of Kleenex big enough to hold back the flood that's coming. Love him... so much it hurts.

So this is what they were talking about... you know? That thing where they say you will die or do anything for your kids?

It makes too much sense to me.

Adventures in Mommy land- The tale of the car changing disaster.

This little guy knows what digits to call when he wants his Mommy... you could say he has me totally wrapped around his finger, hook-line-and sinker.

Yesterday was his 2 week baby check up. We are at a whopping 8 pounds and 4 ounces! Almost a pound up from last week! It validates me as a new mommy that things in booby dairy land are all systems go. At least I am not starving him! After his check up we headed to my OB to get paper work so we can get some moola from the disability insurance company. Apparently that kind of trip was not down in Jax land... We had a poopy fit. Several times. No really. An explosive horrid sound bellowed from his little bottom and a stench like none other. On more than one occasion. Yep. I plowed through all 4 diapers and 3 onesies I had packed for our trip that was going to only last less than 3 hours... Changing diapers in the back seat of a Honda Accord is a feat only to be accomplished by someone other than myself... or maybe it's just because I have a boy. But after the scene was set, the poopy disaster was semi cleaned- he let 'er rip... 

Hosed. Yep... This Texas Ranger had to sit in someone else's dirty pee pants-- all the way home. If you don't have a little boy, you can't possibly understand the magnitude of this event. It comes with no warning! You can't deflect it... you can't run from it. That little weiner has a mind of its own. 

This is the look I got after it was all said and done. I am sure he was very sorry.

Ah.... another day in Mommy land. I love my little Jax-a-rooney.

Put me in Coach...

Jason was so proud to be able to get Jax a playoff onesie made. It is of course, a million sizes to big at the moment, but it's so awesome he can support his Daddy's team. It breaks my heart that I can't watch the game... but the fact that I at least get to listen to it on the radio with this little boy, makes it all worth it.